September 12, 2013

Broken Dreams

Sam works retail. Personally, I hate retail. I hate the hours and the lack of appreciation most large retailers have for their employees; but, I digress (already).  Due to the fact that Sam works retail, his hours are always different and there is no way to get into a routine (I thrive on routine).   Accordingly, there are times when Sam and I have a difficult time finding “private time”.  So we are banging away the other morning, minding our own business (and obviously each other’s), when we hear a large CRRAAAACK.  We had broken the bed.  Shit. 

We both had really busy days to begin so we didn’t think a whole lot of it and kind of forgot about it that day.  That night, Sam got home late and came to bed after I was already asleep. 

Sam requires very little rest.  He sleeps about 5-6 hours a night.  I must at least 7 or I’m falling asleep at my desk (and my eye-bags look like suitcases).   So we are sleeping that night and I wake up and it feels like we are slanting toward one side of the bed.  I had to roll up hill to get out of it.  Sam wakes up too and we realize that we had forgotten to deal with the broken bed. I murmured something about no sex in the morning due to the bed being broken and next thing I know, Sam is out of bed with the lights on, assessing the damage: AT 4:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. 

Two hours later, and we realize there is no fixing the bed since one of the sideboards has a large crack in it and needs to be replaced. Fortunately, I bought the extra insurance when I purchased the set a few years ago. So I call the insurance company and they send me a 4 page questionnaire to fill out, and one of the questions is as follows:

                “Provide a detailed explanation (at least one full paragraph long) of exactly where and how the problem occurred for each affected items as well as a comprehensive description of the actual event and exactly what caused the damage.  Please be aware that we only will be able to take further action on your service request when we get this information.”   (Worded poorly, I agree.)

REALLY? Ok. You people apparently don’t understand with whom you are dealing….

My response:

                We were having sex (we hadn’t even gotten to the crazy stuff yet), when the bed frame broke. It was approximately 7:00 am, and he was on top and I was on the bottom in the missionary position when we heard a large crack and felt the bed bump. We stopped having sex to look at the frame and noticed a large crack along the left frame of the bed.  When we tried to get it to go back together with the footboard, it wouldn’t go.  So we had to stop having sex and it was very inconvenient. Should you require further details, pictures reenacting the scene can be provided.

In the meantime, Sam used gorilla glue to hold the bed frame together.  I hope that stuff is as good as it claims....


  1. You're going to tell us as soon as you hear back from the insurance company, right? Am I the only one expecting someone to take you up on the offer of a pictorial re-enactment?

    1. Hahaha! I want a damn "like" button on this damn blog!!