Slow and Steady Wins the Race

A new year is supposed to be a time to reflect and renew; a time to be insightful, change and grow. It is a time to pick yourself up off of the bathroom floor and crawl back into your bed while swearing you will never drink again.  See??  Change and growth.

Personally, I find New Year’s resolutions to be entrapment. Essentially, you are setting yourself up for failure (except that you are doing it with great fanfare!).   Why, for example, if I didn’t have the motivation to go to the gym three days ago, do I suddenly have it now? Is it because I got a new calendar? I really want to know where you people are getting your calendars because I bought mine at Big Lots and it doesn’t seem to have the same power.

I think that rather than setting myself up for impending failure, I am going to work into these changes slowly.  One shouldn’t rush into change.  Afterall, it takes 9 months to incubate a baby until it’s ready to come out.  That is a good long time to get used to the idea that you just gave away the next 18+ years of your life.

So while I typically don’t do resolutions, I will agree to consider the following:

1.       I will pull my weights and yoga mat out of the deep recesses of my closet, dust them off and place them in a central location where I can look at them often. This will make me have to pick them up (at least weekly) to clean around them.

2.       I vow to fight with my teenage daughter less.  This one will be easy as she is leaving for college in the fall, insuring that we will fight less after August. 

3.       I will drink more water by adding seltzer to my alcoholic beverages. Hydration is important.

4.       This year I will try to be less cynical. This resolution might be a little bit more difficult than the others, as I am cynical by nature.  I will have to make a plan and start slowly. Maybe I will start with the drycleaners; although dry-cleaning seems like a racket to me so maybe not.

And lastly,

5.       I resolve to begin to consider the fact that it might be possible that I could maybe have a few issues with relationships and men.  I mean, just because I have a tendency to look at every man I meet as a spirit-stealing succubus that is trying to “cage the wild animal” and change everything about me doesn’t necessarily mean I have major issues, does it?  Does the fact that sometimes when I see a hot guy I consider him to be a conquest to be chewed up and spit out (rather than the love of my life) mean that I have issues?  Is it possible that I need to be more open to letting myself fall in love (as opposed to a deep profound like or a very healthy lust)?  I guess I could try to be more open to skipping and twirling in a poppy field with that special someone (and not want to want to stab him in the neck because it drives me insane that he isn’t skipping or twirling right).

I think I will start thinking about these changes tomorrow……or maybe the next day. Hell, I could really wait until spring for that last one since there are no poppy fields in the wintertime anyway. 

One has to work into these things slowly.

Oh New Year's Eve, How I Hate Thee.

New Year’s Eve is amateur night.  It's the night that every Tom’s hairy dick is out trying to bring the New Year in with a bang (literally).  I’m not saying they go out with this goal in mind; but the later it gets, the more important this goal becomes.

I don’t think I have ever had an awesome, unforgettable time going out on New Year’s Eve.  Trust me, I have definitely given it the old “college try”.  I have been to every different type of New Year’s celebrations one could imagine.  I have tried casual clubs, black tie events, and parties large and small at various friends’ homes.  None of them has held up to the hype.  

Probably my biggest issue with New Year’s is the hugging and kissing of complete drunken strangers at midnight (and for the next ½ hour).  I don’t like to be touched by strangers (unless naked and horizontal, but that’s completely different).  It seems like some people believe The Universe has given everyone permission to jump across social boundaries in the name of another year.  I just don’t get it.

I cannot count the times I have been hugged and kissed –unwillingly- on New Year’s Eve by creepy, smelly, drunken men.  Usually, it goes something like this:

Typically sane and conservative married man (perhaps he’s a banker or an accountant) has been drinking and dancing all night long and is now good and toasted (and sweaty).  After having kissed and ditched his wife, he is now in his New Year’s drunken frenzy walking around looking for someone he deems attractive enough to “receive” his celebratory greeting. He takes one look at the boobs and thinks, “I want to smash THOSE against my body” and attacks.  Usually it’s accompanied by a sloppy kiss on the lips. (Blech)

Married, single, it doesn’t matter. If I am with someone or they are with someone, who cares? It’s a New Year and all bets (and vows) are off.

 I have seen more marital (and physical) fights start on New Year’s Eve by someone kissing a stranger their spouse deems threatening. The alcohol only fuels the fire.  Hey! Great way to ring in the New Year….with a black eye or a night in jail.  Yay!!

Personally, I want to start a new tradition: a nice firm handshake to ring in the New Year. 

Happy New Year and a nice firm handshake to each and every one of you out there!