When one discusses monogamy and dating, however, it is not so black and white. Which leads us to the question: When dating someone, at what point is it appropriate to bring up the subject of monogamy?
I have been on dates with men that seem to want to discuss our future together within a few weeks of getting together. They talk about what we can do over the summer, over the holidays, etc. This has happened whether sex was already involved or not (but let’s be honest, it usually was). I can only guess that future to which he refers includes me not dating other men. So while the actual word “monogamy” is not spoken, is it understood? Would he get attitude in the next moth if I casually stated that I had a date with someone else on Friday night? I am thinking he would. Does he have a right to? This is where the waters get really murky.
The clear and concise conversation was never had. Some people believe that their first sexual experience with someone denotes monogamy and that it’s understood. Others believe that until the conversation has been had, they are free to screw anyone. In any case, if monogamy is what you seek, I suggest you put on your big-kid pants and have that difficult conversation. Do you run the risk of ruining a good thing? Absolutely! If you are dealing with a commitment-phobe or someone who “wants to take their time” or someone that is trying to set the world record for sexual partners; you are screwed (or in this case, NOT) and you just messed up a good thing. But isn’t it better to know that sooner rather than later?
I have been on both ends of that situation wherein, while it was early-on in a relationship, I was pissed that it wasn’t perfectly clear that we were not to sleep with other people. On the other hand, I have used the “well, we never talked about it” excuse. In that case, ignorance was my defense (admittedly it was a lousy one, but it was all I had at the time).
I remember a long time ago while living in Florida, I met a cute Italian guy when I walked into his family’s pizza shop. We had a couple of dates and I had already met half his family as they were all working there when I met him, and he started talking about what we would do on upcoming weekends for the foreseeable future. While I was having some fun dating him, I was not feeling the “Head Over Heels Effect” (HOHE) and when he started talking about our future together (and the fact that we would no longer be keeping our options open) I dumped him like a hot potato. Those were the easy days without cellphones so I just let the machine get it whenever he phoned. Yes, it was lame. But I was young and my balls were not nearly as big as they are now.
The point is, if I am dating someone that starts talking about a one-on-one relationship too soon, I am more likely than not to excuse myself from the table and head directly for my car while turning off my cell phone all at the same time. I have also messed up a good potential relationship myself when I was feeling the HOHE and tried too soon to get a commitment. It’s a slippery slope.
So, we can probably all agree that certainly when sex is involved, one expects their partner not to be boning the waitress later that evening. I would have to agree with that (even if the bartender IS smokin’ hot). Just to be sure, a conversation needs to be had to make sure that you are both on the same page (and in the same sheets).
You know, this could all be solved by Monogamy Card. Each of us is given a card and when we have possession of it, we should feel free to bed anyone with a pulse. But should I decide to give it to a guy, I am saying that I choose to be monogamous with him. If he then hands me his in return: Great! We are now in a monogamous relationship and it was done without all of that messy communication! Perfect!
