Creepy Quiet

So have you ever been sitting around with a friend on a weekend night and you two are like bored outta your minds cause there is nothing on TV and your board games are all the way downstairs in your basement which seems really far? You don’t want to go out driving because you are broke or you have had a few drinks (or you are broke because you bought a few drinks), and you are like sitting around looking at each other all bored and shit and to kill the boredom you decide to have sex?   NO?   Huh.

Well I found myself in this situation awhile ago and as it turns out my friend - who ordinarily can’t seem to shut the fuck up - turned out to be so quiet it was fucking creepy. (Which I have now dubbed a new sexual affliction called “Creepy Quiet.”)

Hey, I’m not looking for a screamer to blow my house down.  I’ve actually had that before and it was very hard to concentrate on the matter at hand with all of the noise going on. I was also quite worried that my neighbors were going to break my door down to rescue the poor fucker being murdered in my bed (another blog, another time). But in this particular case, mum was the word (at least it would have been had he said anything).

It’s always nice to get a little positive feedback, isn’t it? I mean whether a person is working at a job, helping the homeless or having a little spontaneous sex, it’s nice to hear the occasional “atta girl”.  I would accept an appreciative moan or grunt, a happily garbled word; even a loud pant would be acceptable. SOMETHING just to let me know he is still in the game (and wouldn’t rather be playing Scrabble).

Eventually, one really begins to wonder if he is thinking of his grocery list or what the next microbrew is going to be at his favorite bar while he is screwing.  I mean seriously, give a woman a clue.  Are you enjoying it? Does it suck? Are you enjoying the suck?  Would you rather go back to watching infomercials? Because I am ok with that as long as I know that’s the deal. The occasional “that feels good” might be in order in this situation or even a little directional advice (in the timeless words of David Lee Roth, “a little more to the right.”).  For the love of God give me SOMETHING!

I know! How about a compliment? A compliment might be nice.  I mean after all, I was too lazy to walk down the steps to get a fucking board game but I did actually get off the couch and take my clothes off.  And now I am even exercising with him.  That should have gotten me something.

So, I guess talking dirty is out of the question; not to mention role playing. How does one role play with a silent person? He could play the quiet pilot, but eventually would be required to say something when, as the slutty stewardess, I presented him with the question of, “Coffee, tea or me?”  He could always play a mime. He could pretend to be a mime and I could pretend to be the dirty girl that was trying to get him to break his “Code of Mime-Silence”; a mime-fucker, if you will. But I imagine even that would get old eventually as I would never win the game. 

After it was over and I had blurted out, “Wow! You are really creepy quiet!” I suggested getting him a T-shirt (as a public service message) that read “I am Creepy Quiet”. The shirt was simply so that other girls in the future would know in advance and not take it personally. There I go again being all thoughtful to my fellow human beings! He didn’t go for it.

The perfect example, and what reminded me of this situation, was the other night when I was watching the HBO show “Girls”. In this particular episode the main character, Hannah, was having the most awkward sex I have ever seen with a guy she had just met.  It was more awkward than new sex ever should be but that is part of why the show is so funny.  Anyway, during the awkward sex, the new guy blurts out, “What are you doing? Please don’t put your finger in my asshole!” to which Hannah responded with “You weren’t telling me what it was that you wanted at all so I was just trying to guess what you wanted.  You are allowed to just tell me what it is that you want.”

And that, my quiet friends out there, is your lesson of the day: Creepy Quiet can get you a finger up your asshole.