July 31, 2012

Swingers


So I’m out having a couple of drinks with some friends one night to celebrate another friend’s return to our home state and we are laughing and dancing and having a grand old time when another “friend” (whom I shall call Dicky) decides to step into the “bitter barn” and starts bitching about his soon to be ex-wife.   I (being of sound mind and loose tongue) immediately blurt out, “doesn’t your chosen lifestyle lend itself to your wife leaving you?”  SCREEEEECH.

It kinda felt like one of those movies where they say something really loud and inappropriate right when the music stops and the entire bar turns and looks. Yeah. Like that. It seemed like even the people dry-humping in the corner stopped groping each other to stare at me in awe that I had actually kicked the guy when he was down. 

I looked around, “WHAT???”

Let me explain:  Dicky is a swinger.  I didn’t know this when Dicky friend requested me on Facebook.  I accepted Dicky’s friend request because we had graduated high school together and had many mutual friends.  I didn’t remember Dicky in high school but we had a very large graduating class and I was pretty much stoned for most of my high school career so it didn’t surprise me that I didn’t remember him.  It took me about a month to figure out what Dicky was up to (sometimes I am not too swift on the intake).

The first telling piece of information was all of the pictures Dicky kept posting of himself with beautiful (but trashy) looking blonds.  Now Dicky is not an Adonis. He is short and stout (Yes, like the little teapot) and a little pudgy and I could probably put him in my pocket if I didn’t wear my pants so tight.  So the fact that Dicky had been married for 20+ years and kept posting pictures of himself (and occasionally his wife), with blond bimbos was a little confusing at first. The second piece to the puzzle was that Dicky kept inviting me to numerous parties that he would have and he would have them A LOT.  Like more than once a week there were pictures of him at various skanky-looking soirées to which I had been invited (but thankfully did not attend).  

The last piece of the puzzle (and when the SWINGER marquee finally hit me upside my head) was when I began receiving friend requests from couples in far-off places (“Bob/Liz Smith from Texas want to be your friend.”  How many couples do you know that SHARE a Facebook page??)  After I denied the third couple’s request, l started wondering what the hell was going on and quickly realized that the only thing I had in common with these people was Dicky.   HELLO SWINGERS!

Now (obviously) I am no one to judge how people lead their sexual lives and I have been in a ménage or two in my time but it seems to me if you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are encouraging your spouse to fuck other people, you are playing with fire.  It’s a numbers game, idiot.   At some point in 20+ years, if your spouse is screwing numerous people, he or she is going to find someone that looks better than you, fucks better than you and reads the funnies on a Sunday morning better than you.   It’s pretty much inevitable.  It is the extremely rare case that whatever “special connection” you have with your spouse is the only “special connection” your spouse is going to have in a lifetime, especially when you throw sex into the mix. 

I have met guys that acted like they were the shit because they were “Oh-so-open-minded” to let their wives boink someone else and I come to find out it was purely out of selfish reasons.  They themselves were bored or horny or whatever and under the ruse of being open-minded, simply wanted permission to screw someone else too.  So while he was busy patting himself on the back for letting his wife screw that guy over there, his other hand was firmly planted in some other chick’s Hooha.  Nice.

Even if it isn’t for selfish reasons, and he isn’t looking to fool around with another girl (or guy), which I highly doubt, it’s probably not going to end well.  I speak from experience:

About 25 years ago, I was dating a guy in Florida that wanted to take me on a vacation to his friend’s house in the Keys.  The entire week prior to the vacation he kept telling me how good looking his friend was and how awesome his friend was and that if I wanted to have coitus with his friend he wouldn’t mind.  At first I thought this was some kind of a faithfulness test, so I was adamant that I wasn’t interested.  He kept insisting that he would be fine with it and he and his friend and he were very close and “shared everything” (like a stick of deodorant??).  I told him I understood his point but that I really wasn’t interested because I loved him.  The whole ride down he kept up his song and dance that he would be O.K. with it, should I change my mind.  We pull into the driveway and his shirtless friend comes out to greet us.   Holy. Shit.  Mind changed. 

I’m not really sure what my boyfriend had in mind, or why he was so insistent (looking back I think maybe he either wanted to see what his friend was packing or make his friend jealous of what he had every day), but I’m pretty sure things didn’t transpire the way they were supposed to in his mind. Unfortunately for him, he hadn’t been clear to set the boundaries or the scenario or the scene so that I knew what was OK and what wasn’t and a few nights into our short vacation, he and I got into an argument.  He was being a dick and ignoring me while I was trying to speak to him about whatever stupid disagreement we were having and so I got the shits of trying to talk to him and went to see what his friend was doing in his bedroom.  Needless to say, boyfriend got his wish. Or not.     

At some point my boyfriend actually came looking for me, saw what was going on, and turned around and left (personally, I took that as a “carry on”).  I am guessing by his reaction afterward that things didn’t go the way he thought they would because (wait for it….) he was PISSED.  Yep.  We all could have seen that coming. Needless to say, our relationship was never the same and he treated me as if I had cheated on him (and I treated him like the idiot that he was).  Moral: Be careful what you wish for, People.

How about this idea: If you want to screw other people, STAY SINGLE.  Trust me, it works.

I would like to hear other’s opinion on this subject.  Are you married and have you ever done or considered swinging? Do you know anyone that does and has it worked for them in the long-term?  As a single person would you consider getting involved with a married couple?

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16 comments:

  1. I have a wealth of experience! By that, I mean that I watched the one and only season of the tv series, Swingtown. What? That doesn't say "englightenment" to you? Sorry, it's all I've got!

    I knew someone in a polyamorous relationship, but I've lost touch with her. I feel like it can work but that in most cases, it probably doesn't. I'm good with being wrong though.

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    1. You truly are a plethora of information, aren't you? I am sorry to hear about your friend though. I guess she had her hands full (so to speak) and was too busy to keep in touch. Good answer, by the way. Very funny!

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  2. "Dicky is a swinger"...is that anything like a swingin' dick?

    I would be game for anything, I think...nothing homosexual. Does that make me a selfish prude?

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    1. No. I think that makes you not gay. Spread the news.

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  3. I think the ocassional,"wasn't that a crazy night" or "what a wild vacation" tryst is not a problem, assuming the couple has discussed the idea of an impromptu event and are ready for the emotions/jealousies that can come when you move from fantasy to reality, is not necassarily a marriage killer. But the lifestyle of consistently needing or wanting to find outlets for your sexual desires with people other than your spouse will, in the long term and with the exception of the rarest of couples, not play out as either would have hoped.

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    1. I know who you are just by your overly-intelligent writing. You are hopelessly unable to dumb it down. <3
      And, I agree.

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    2. I am seriously considering a partial labotomy in order to meet the reading and comprehension levels of the general public.

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    3. Lobotomy. Just sayin' ;)

      ~ K.

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  4. I have a friend who is ALWAYS trying to push my wife and I along into some union with them - we are not the type nor would be interested for even a one time thing. It seems to work for them but I could just see some serious issues arising from that one in the long term. The entire blog I was thinking the same thing as u Gina.

    Ya wanna hump around - stay single. My $0.02.

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    1. That's always been my motto. I see a T-Shirt in the making...

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    2. Hey ~ sign me up for that T-Shirt! Oh yeah...and maybe get me single again? (someday...) @ K.C. ~ would this friend be in Key West, per chance?

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  5. First of all, Beth...I LOVED SWINGTOWN and am sad that it was cancelled. Okay, second...my absolute favorite part of this blog is that you capitalized Hooha!

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    1. Of course I capitalized it! Hooha should be capitalized as it makes the world go round. Maybe I should have shouted it: HOOHA!

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  6. As you know I know many people who engage in this lifestyle, and in 90% of these relationships they end in disaster! I say if you want to be a slut be a slut, if you want to be a man whore be a man whore! Dont hide behind a pretend relationship that isn't backed by the qualities that build and make a relationship what it is. Don't get me wrong if you are a slut or man whore I have no problem with that, matter of fact, be the best slut or man whore you can be and be proud of it! :)

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    1. You need to change careers and go into motivational speaking for the girls at the Bunny Ranch. You know, get them all hyped up to be the best sluts they can be. It's gotta be a rough job, Rich, but someone has to do it.

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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