Don't Sell Yourself Short

Two of my male friends (one of which has been a good friend for many years and the other a more recent friend) are very open and honest about their perceived “inadequacies”.  In other words, they go around freely and openly telling the world they have small weenies.

I am all for full disclosure and I absolutely abhor lying.  Anyone who knows me well can attest to this fact.  Further, it would be ridiculous to tout a John-Holmes-size penis only to be discovered otherwise in the bedroom when the time comes.  I mean, there are some things you just can’t fake.   BUT, don’t kill your game before it even starts!

For example, I was out with a group of friends and (inevitably) the conversation turned to sex. During that conversation, my male friend basically stated for all my girlfriends to hear, that he is completely under-endowed. I just looked at him. Dude, you are your own cock-blocker!

Yes, in many of my blogs I joke around about wanting a big shlong (It's a girl thing; like men joking around about chicks with big boobs). But in reality I have been with men of all sizes and have been just as satisfied with both.  

 All of that being said, the following is my opinion on the whole tiny Johnson subject:

In a nutshell, sex is a sales game. I don’t necessarily mean “slimy used-car salesman” sales wherein you lie, cheat and steal your way into bed with someone (although there are definitely those that take this approach); but rather, a sales game in that you are selling yourself (Disclaimer: you are not actually going to get paid at the end of it - unless you have made pre-fuck arrangements). 

If you are looking for a one-nighter, you are selling yourself as a lover (“Baby, I can rock your world”).  If you are looking for a long-termer (Yes, that IS a word because I just used it in a sentence!), you might take a different approach (“Baby, I can rock your world AND make you a bangin’ omelet for breakfast in the morning”).  Either way, it’s pretty much all the same: you are selling yourself as a lover to get someone into bed with you. 

It’s almost like a job interview.  You wouldn’t walk into an interview and in the first 5 minutes state that you have a habit of being late every day (well, maybe you would but then you’d be an idiot: an unemployed idiot). The same goes with sex.  If I were hitting it off with a guy to which I clearly had a connection, and he said, “I am terrible in bed but wanna screw anyway?”  NO. No, I don't. But thanks for asking. 

Guys have the advantage of…well….clothing.  It is very difficult for a girl with an “A” cup to walk around telling everyone that she is a “D” cup.  It’s pretty damn obvious that she is full of shit. But guys, unless you are wearing a speedo (and I highly recommend against that), no one knows of your endowment - or lack thereof - until the time comes. 

So what does a guy do to sell himself in the bedroom without lying about his humongous dick? My suggestion is to work your other abilities into the flirty conversation as it becomes clearer that you will be ending the evening with a “big bang”.  For example, rather than “Let’s go back to my place, but I must warn you I have a tiny little pee-pee”, how about “Let’s go back to my place, but I must warn you that I LOVE giving cunnilingus”. Or, “Let’s go back to my place; I have an awesome toy that I am dying to use on you.”  (OK, I really feel the need to stop here for a moment and explain to you men that women typically do not like USED toys. I may have said this before but it is important.  Please have a nice selection of unused toys to choose from. Yes, they can be expensive but do you want to get laid or not?   If you get a lot of game, might I suggest a “Dildo of the Month” club?)

If you have confidence in your other bedroom abilities and you know it, you can still walk with your head held high and get laid regardless of the size of your organ.  Women love confidence. But let me be clear: if you boast about your other talents, you’d better have them because you can’t fake that either. Practice on some fruit or something; do a Google search on “how to perform cunnilingus”. (There is much to choose from but be warned: you will also get many porn sites doing that particular search and unless you remember what you are looking for, you will become distracted and have learned nothing sitting there with your dick in your hand).  You can also search “how to use a dildo on a chick”.  This is the information age, People! Stupidity is not a defense (and will not get you laid).

The point is, there are ways to overcome short-comings and disclosing them to an entire room of potential partners is not one of them.

I would love to hear from my readers on this subject.  As a girl, is it important that the guy be well-endowed? As a guy, if you are less-than-average in the penis department have you figured out a way to compensate for that? Did it work? I would love to hear anything else that anyone has to add about on this subject!

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Swingers

So I’m out having a couple of drinks with some friends one night to celebrate another friend’s return to our home state and we are laughing and dancing and having a grand old time when another “friend” (whom I shall call Dicky) decides to step into the “bitter barn” and starts bitching about his soon to be ex-wife.   I (being of sound mind and loose tongue) immediately blurt out, “doesn’t your chosen lifestyle lend itself to your wife leaving you?”  SCREEEEECH.

It kinda felt like one of those movies where they say something really loud and inappropriate right when the music stops and the entire bar turns and looks. Yeah. Like that. It seemed like even the people dry-humping in the corner stopped groping each other to stare at me in awe that I had actually kicked the guy when he was down. 

I looked around, “WHAT???”

Let me explain:  Dicky is a swinger.  I didn’t know this when Dicky friend requested me on Facebook.  I accepted Dicky’s friend request because we had graduated high school together and had many mutual friends.  I didn’t remember Dicky in high school but we had a very large graduating class and I was pretty much stoned for most of my high school career so it didn’t surprise me that I didn’t remember him.  It took me about a month to figure out what Dicky was up to (sometimes I am not too swift on the intake).

The first telling piece of information was all of the pictures Dicky kept posting of himself with beautiful (but trashy) looking blonds.  Now Dicky is not an Adonis. He is short and stout (Yes, like the little teapot) and a little pudgy and I could probably put him in my pocket if I didn’t wear my pants so tight.  So the fact that Dicky had been married for 20+ years and kept posting pictures of himself (and occasionally his wife), with blond bimbos was a little confusing at first. The second piece to the puzzle was that Dicky kept inviting me to numerous parties that he would have and he would have them A LOT.  Like more than once a week there were pictures of him at various skanky-looking soirées to which I had been invited (but thankfully did not attend).  

The last piece of the puzzle (and when the SWINGER marquee finally hit me upside my head) was when I began receiving friend requests from couples in far-off places (“Bob/Liz Smith from Texas want to be your friend.”  How many couples do you know that SHARE a Facebook page??)  After I denied the third couple’s request, l started wondering what the hell was going on and quickly realized that the only thing I had in common with these people was Dicky.   HELLO SWINGERS!

Now (obviously) I am no one to judge how people lead their sexual lives and I have been in a ménage or two in my time but it seems to me if you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are encouraging your spouse to fuck other people, you are playing with fire.  It’s a numbers game, idiot.   At some point in 20+ years, if your spouse is screwing numerous people, he or she is going to find someone that looks better than you, fucks better than you and reads the funnies on a Sunday morning better than you.   It’s pretty much inevitable.  It is the extremely rare case that whatever “special connection” you have with your spouse is the only “special connection” your spouse is going to have in a lifetime, especially when you throw sex into the mix. 

I have met guys that acted like they were the shit because they were “Oh-so-open-minded” to let their wives boink someone else and I come to find out it was purely out of selfish reasons.  They themselves were bored or horny or whatever and under the ruse of being open-minded, simply wanted permission to screw someone else too.  So while he was busy patting himself on the back for letting his wife screw that guy over there, his other hand was firmly planted in some other chick’s Hooha.  Nice.

Even if it isn’t for selfish reasons, and he isn’t looking to fool around with another girl (or guy), which I highly doubt, it’s probably not going to end well.  I speak from experience:

About 25 years ago, I was dating a guy in Florida that wanted to take me on a vacation to his friend’s house in the Keys.  The entire week prior to the vacation he kept telling me how good looking his friend was and how awesome his friend was and that if I wanted to have coitus with his friend he wouldn’t mind.  At first I thought this was some kind of a faithfulness test, so I was adamant that I wasn’t interested.  He kept insisting that he would be fine with it and he and his friend and he were very close and “shared everything” (like a stick of deodorant??).  I told him I understood his point but that I really wasn’t interested because I loved him.  The whole ride down he kept up his song and dance that he would be O.K. with it, should I change my mind.  We pull into the driveway and his shirtless friend comes out to greet us.   Holy. Shit.  Mind changed. 

I’m not really sure what my boyfriend had in mind, or why he was so insistent (looking back I think maybe he either wanted to see what his friend was packing or make his friend jealous of what he had every day), but I’m pretty sure things didn’t transpire the way they were supposed to in his mind. Unfortunately for him, he hadn’t been clear to set the boundaries or the scenario or the scene so that I knew what was OK and what wasn’t and a few nights into our short vacation, he and I got into an argument.  He was being a dick and ignoring me while I was trying to speak to him about whatever stupid disagreement we were having and so I got the shits of trying to talk to him and went to see what his friend was doing in his bedroom.  Needless to say, boyfriend got his wish. Or not.     

At some point my boyfriend actually came looking for me, saw what was going on, and turned around and left (personally, I took that as a “carry on”).  I am guessing by his reaction afterward that things didn’t go the way he thought they would because (wait for it….) he was PISSED.  Yep.  We all could have seen that coming. Needless to say, our relationship was never the same and he treated me as if I had cheated on him (and I treated him like the idiot that he was).  Moral: Be careful what you wish for, People.

How about this idea: If you want to screw other people, STAY SINGLE.  Trust me, it works.

I would like to hear other’s opinion on this subject.  Are you married and have you ever done or considered swinging? Do you know anyone that does and has it worked for them in the long-term?  As a single person would you consider getting involved with a married couple?

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Sheath Thy Sword, Kind Sir

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Penes Are Not Pretty

Personally, I don’t believe in regrets.  I look back on my life and believe that the majority of it has been pretty damn awesome and from the stuff that wasn’t; I have learned valuable lessons.  The problem is I can’t leave well enough alone.  I have the hardest time leaving the past in the past and not contacting people with whom I used to be friends or lovers.  In the past 6 months, I have come in contact with two ex-boyfriends.  One was my fault and the other wasn’t.

The first was a guy I dated hot and heavy on and off when I was living in south Florida.  We kept in touch for a number of years afterward but hadn’t spoken in over 10 years.  I had looked for him on Facebook for years and then about 6 months ago, there he was.  I sent him a friend request, so excited that my years of persistence had paid off.  He accepted my friend request and responded back with a message that seemed as happy to find me as I he.   Everything pretty much went downhill from there.    

We exchanged cell phone numbers so he could call me later and he did.  Did he ask me how I have been for the past 10 years? How my daughter is doing as she was then a child and is now an adult? Did he ask how my parents were doing? Nope.  All he wanted to do was talk about sex.  Here we were 10 minutes into the “conversation” and I am trying to ask him if his parents are still alive and well and he is asking me if I remember our various sexcapades in miniscule detail.  I was really annoyed. I let him have it about his obvious lack of interest in my life and ended the conversation. Shortly thereafter he started texting me pictures of his dick.

The second guy I ran into while out at a club.  Our short relationship had not ended well because after a few dates, I started receiving texts from a girl that claimed to be his wife.  Wanting nothing to do with that I ended it.  When I recently ran into him he asked me for my number to keep in touch.  We were in a really loud club and I was with friends so I decided I would give him my number and deal with getting rid of him later. He texted me and texted me for a date.  While I felt that I was very clear that I would not date him again; he wouldn’t seem to get it.  He asked me to meet him for a drink and I agreed figuring that I could be much more clear about my position (or lack thereof) in person.  We met at a local bar and I was succinct in telling him that it was never going to happen and stated that we had always a good time together and could remain friends.  His response was, “I have enough friends.”  Alrighty then.  Decision made.  I thanked him for the drink, excused myself and went home.  And then he texted me a picture of dick.

Penises are not pretty.  Don’t get me wrong, they are definitely functional and I enjoy them but they are not really the most attractive things in the world.  Does a guy really believe that a picture of his johnson is going to make me forget all of the negative feelings I have for him and make me scream “OH MY GOD, I *MUST* HAVE THAT!!”??  Wow.  Some guys are really dumb.

Perhaps if he wrapped a flower around it or put it into a little penis tuxedo (hopefully not too little) before he took a picture of it that might be ok. It wouldn't make me change my mind but it might make the penis more attractive.  Maybe.  Perhaps if it’s lying on a bed of colorful feathers; or better yet dipped in chocolate?  I’m not really sure  any of that would help; I’m just throwing stuff out there.   

Granted, there are famous penises out there that we have all know and love.  That doesn’t make them attractive, it just makes then famous.  Take for example Michelangelo’s David with his little twig and berries out there for all to admire. Yes, it does look like he just came out of a cold pool to pose for that; but it’s considered art so that’s ok. That being said, please keep in mind that taking a picture of your schlong and texting it to someone is not considered art (in any medium).

 Even vibrator companies know that a penis is not attractive.  That’s why they make them in pretty colors and give them cute little animal names like “The Rabbit”, “The Dolphin” or “The Butterfly”.  

Although I am willing to concede that giving a real penis various vibratory speeds would help to make it more attractive in general.

Opinions please?

I Am What I Am

 I have decided to take a break from my dating stories (though I have an awesome one to tell you) to talk about the subject of morals.

I have none.  The end.

Yes, I am just kidding but it has been brought to my attention recently by a concerned friend that this blog can possibly be making me look bad (i.e., a trampy).  My mother expressed concern recently too that I might regret writing this blog someday when I am a grandmother (coming from the woman who asked if 17 was too young to buy her granddaughter a vibrator).  The funny thing is anyone who knows me knows I have never pretended to be anyone other than exactly who I am. 

When I was in high school, I was very against being labeled in one particular crowd. Each day I would wear a different outfit that put me a different group.  I would wear docksiders and an Izod T-shirt one day like a “preppy”, ripped jeans with bandannas wrapped around my leg the next day like a stoner (we called them “heads” back then).  The next day I would wear a football jersey and sneakers like a jock and after that a lime green mini skirt and safety pins in my ears like a punk rocker and so on.  I really didn’t care what people thought about me as long as I wasn’t labeled a conformist.  Not much has changed. 

 Guess what? I have had sex.  Have I had a lot of sex? As I know better than to talk about numbers, let’s just say it’s somewhere between Mother Teresa and Gene Simmons.  Of course, society has been saying for hundreds of years that when a guy has multiple sex partners he is virile - a rock star, if you will. When a woman does it, she is a slut. Even in the Bible men have multiple wives (rock on, Noah!) while women were to be subservient.  Ummmm…screw that.

This is 21^st century. Is it still the case that women are to be there to serve their men and are not to enjoy sex?  I don’t think so (but this is my argument so I might be a little biased…and happy).

Today's media is full of women that enjoy sex without necessarily being in a committed relationship, and many of these women are strong and intelligent with powerful jobs.   Take for example, two of the women from the popular show Sex in the City: Carrie Bradshaw and Samantha Jones.  Carrie, the endless romantic, had lots of sex but all in the name of finding true love.  Samantha had lots of sex, all in the name of having lots of sex.  Is one reason better than the other for having lots of sex? I don’t think so.

Moreover, many medical studies indicate that having more sex makes you live longer: 

“Sex not only helps by keeping close human contact in your life, it may even add 3-8 years to your life. While not a great deal of research has been done among older adults, it seems that people who have frequent orgasms do, in fact, live longer. This makes some sense -- an orgasm releases chemicals in your body that cause relaxation and pleasure. These chemicals, if released often enough, may counteract the negative effects of stress.” - Mark Stibich, Ph.D

I don’t know how you feel about it but what is the point of having sex if you don’t enjoy it?  If you do enjoy it, why would you not want more?

 It’s kind of like a massage (and for the purpose of this example, not the “happy-ending” kind).  If you get a massage and it hurts and it is terrible, you will probably not get another.  But, if you get one and it feels terrific and you are happy and relaxed afterward, you would be an idiot not to get another…and another….and another….

Back in the day, I used to liken myself to a big game hunter.  I may have been promiscuous but I was also very selective.  It was a challenge to see if I could get the sexy lead singer of the band, the hot DJ that had all of the girls watching him or the adorably shy bartender (apparently, I used to be very competitive).  Did I make men buy me expensive meals, jewels, gifts, etc.? Hell no. I actually prefer sex before dinner.  Who wants to have sex when they are all full and bloated? Personally, I have found that food tastes better after sex.

My sister used to say that I usually ended up falling in love with the broke musician or poet that I would allow to move in and ended up supporting him for a while.  This was actually very true.

All of that being said, I do have my boundaries.  I have never been with (nor wanted to be with) a married man (that I know of) and I do not date men already involved in a relationship.  I am not judging anyone that has; it’s just not for me (it doesn’t help the trust issues).   I would also like to note that I never cheated on my husband for the 5 minutes that we were married.  Another plus is that I very rarely lie. Mostly because my memory sucks and I can’t remember what I said; but it keeps me honest.  

The last topic I would like to cover in this particular blog is that someone recently asked me how I can write a blog about dating and sex when I have an 18 year old daughter?  Fortunately for me, my daughter is NOTHING like me.  She is somewhat of a prude in that she is very private about private things, she never swears (can you fucking believe that??) and she has had the same boyfriend for 2 years.  She also has no desire whatsoever to read my blog and I have no desire for her to read it. So, we’re good.

Essentially the bottom line is this, in the eternal words of Popeye:  I am what I am. And I couldn’t be happier about that. This blog was created to make people laugh and to share some of my adventurous, nutty dating stories with you.  If you find me shocking and over the top, all the better because remember, my grandkids will think I’m a rock star that will clearly live forever.

Monogamy is in the Eye of the Beholder

 They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It is my opinion that when it comes to dating that adage applies to monogamy as well.  I want to be clear so that you married people out there don’t start sending me hate e-mails: I am only talking about dating.  If you have chosen the marriage route, you have made your monogamous bed and now you must lie in it….with your spouse and ONLY your spouse…forever and ever and ever…and EVER.  

When one discusses monogamy and dating, however, it is not so black and white.  Which leads us to the question: When dating someone, at what point is it appropriate to bring up the subject of monogamy?

I have been on dates with men that seem to want to discuss our future together within a few weeks of getting together.  They talk about what we can do over the summer, over the holidays, etc. This has happened whether sex was already involved or not (but let’s be honest, it usually was).  I can only guess that future to which he refers includes me not dating other men.  So while the actual word “monogamy” is not spoken, is it understood?  Would he get attitude in the next moth if I casually stated that I had a date with someone else on Friday night? I am thinking he would.  Does he have a right to? This is where the waters get really murky.   

The clear and concise conversation was never had.   Some people believe that their first sexual experience with someone denotes monogamy and that it’s understood. Others believe that until the conversation has been had, they are free to screw anyone.  In any case, if monogamy is what you seek, I suggest you put on your big-kid pants and have that difficult conversation.  Do you run the risk of ruining a good thing? Absolutely!  If you are dealing with a commitment-phobe or someone who “wants to take their time” or someone that is trying to set the world record for sexual partners; you are screwed (or in this case, NOT) and you just messed up a good thing.  But isn’t it better to know that sooner rather than later?

I have been on both ends of that situation wherein, while it was early-on in a relationship, I was pissed that it wasn’t perfectly clear that we were not to sleep with other people. On the other hand, I have used the “well, we never talked about it” excuse.  In that case, ignorance was my defense (admittedly it was a lousy one, but it was all I had at the time).  

I remember a long time ago while living in Florida, I met a cute Italian guy when I walked into his family’s pizza shop.  We had a couple of dates and I had already met half his family as they were all working there when I met him, and he started talking about what we would do on upcoming weekends for the foreseeable future. While I was having some fun dating him, I was not feeling the “Head Over Heels Effect” (HOHE) and when he started talking about our future together (and the fact that we would no longer be keeping our options open) I dumped him like a hot potato. Those were the easy days without cellphones so I just let the machine get it whenever he phoned.  Yes, it was lame. But I was young and my balls were not nearly as big as they are now. 

The point is, if I am dating someone that starts talking about a one-on-one relationship too soon, I am more likely than not to excuse myself from the table and head directly for my car while turning off my cell phone all at the same time. I have also messed up a good potential relationship myself when I was feeling the HOHE and tried too soon to get a commitment. It’s a slippery slope.  

So, we can probably all agree that certainly when sex is involved, one expects their partner not to be boning the waitress later that evening. I would have to agree with that (even if the bartender IS smokin’ hot).  Just to be sure, a conversation needs to be had to make sure that you are both on the same page (and in the same sheets).

You know, this could all be solved by Monogamy Card. Each of us is given a card and when we have possession of it, we should feel free to bed anyone with a pulse. But should I decide to give it to a guy, I am saying that I choose to be monogamous with him. If he then hands me his in return: Great! We are now in a monogamous relationship and it was done without all of that messy communication!  Perfect!