Cowboys and Indians

Have you ever felt that the universe is trying to send you a message?

Lately it seems that the universe is trying to tell me to date a cowboy. Cowboys are now trendy.  You now hear country music on pop stations, flannel is apparently the new black, and worst of all; last week, my favorite dance club went county. While I am not averse to dating a cowboy; it is a rather new concept for me.  Furthermore, I don’t eat dead mammals; that seems like it could be an issue.

Looking back at the westerns that I have watched over the years (admittedly, not many), whether the antagonist or the protagonist when it came to the stereotypical “cowboys vs. Indians” storyline, I would typically root for the Native American.  Even when the depiction of the Indians was of cruel savages I assumed they had good reason to be - having gotten the wrong end of the shaft- I overlooked their savagery and rooted for the cowboy’s demise (mostly because the Indians were half naked, hairless and hot, but I digress). Granted, I am a big “rooter for the underdog”.  I mean how fair is it that a cowboy simply sauntered into Oleson’s Mercantile (Little House in the Prairie throwback! Holla!), purchased his premanufactured gun and bullets and was hereby armed?  How lazy!  On the other hand, the Native American spent hours making their weapons (while shirtless, bronzed, and glistening in the sun) from the unused part of the animal they killed for food! I LOVE a man that recycles.  Furthermore, cowboys always looked filthy.  They were dirty and dusty, bearded from their long days in the woods or on the trail or wherever, and they needed a bath.  Native Americans looked quite clean with their hairless faces and chests and their shiny long black hair, freshly bathed from the local river… (Excuse me for a second, will you?).

Lately, however, due to the lack of Native American’s in Pennsylvania, I have been forced to see cowboys in somewhat of a new light.  As it is now “in” to be country, (and I am nothing if not trendy) is it as if the universe is cramming cowboys down my throat (heh, heh, heh).

It all started when my daughter turned country.  One day it was Lil Wayne and black eyeliner and shortly thereafter it was camouflage and Miranda Lambert.  My next stop in “countryville” was the University of Oklahoma.  Oklahoma seems to have an abundance of cowboys and while I looked high and low I did not see an Indian in the bunch (at least none that was readily apparent in fringed leather pants, hair feathers, and little else).  On a side note, although it has always been one of my fantasies, I have never had the opportunity to bed a Native American.  I imagine, in my mind, that it will be fucking phenomenal in a very organic kind of way with waterfalls, waving fields of grain and rhythmic guttural chants.  That being said and with my “it’s never too late attitude”, it is on my bucket list (or in this case: my Fuck-It list). 

Back to the cowboys:  If I am going to date one he can’t be a pseudo-cowboy (I draw the line at posers).  He needs to be a full-blow honkytonk, bareback ridin’ (uh huh) cowboy with a ranch, in full cowboy garb (minus the dirt, thank you very much).

As you all know by now, this important decision requires a pros and cons list:

Pros:

1.       Fresh eggs for breakfast.  
2.     I get to pet the pretty horsies (and if I grow a pair, I may even ride one).
3.     I get to see if it’s true that a cowboy only takes his hat off for sex.
4.     The thought of “wranglin” with a cowboy peaks my curiosity.
5.      I can yell “Ride ‘em, Cowboy!” and it actually means something.
6.      If he is a rich cowboy I can quit my job and twirl in fields of poppies (see blog dated January 2, 2012).

 Cons:

1.     Not only do I NOT eat dead mammals, I would probably befriend the animals on the farm and give them names only to find out that he has cut their throats and is eating them for dinner.
2.      Cowboys are renowned for being dirty and I don’t like dirty men (unless it’s minded).
3.       I need to be able to understand them and if they are too twang-y that might be an issue.
4.       I am not sure I can endure the hard-core country music songs that will make me want to shoot myself in the head with a 12 gauge (shut up, I’m sure I could figure it out).
5.       If I have to attend a rodeo with him I will probably feel sorry for the animals that are being treated cruelly and try to set them free. He might frown upon such action.
6.       I am guessing most cowboys do not allow the woman to wear the pants/chaps in the relationship. That might be a major issue.

Well, it seems to be even.  I guess if a hot cowboy came knocking on my door, I might try him on for size.  In the meantime, if any of you run into Tonto, have him call me. 

Monogamy is in the Eye of the Beholder

 They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It is my opinion that when it comes to dating that adage applies to monogamy as well.  I want to be clear so that you married people out there don’t start sending me hate e-mails: I am only talking about dating.  If you have chosen the marriage route, you have made your monogamous bed and now you must lie in it….with your spouse and ONLY your spouse…forever and ever and ever…and EVER.  

When one discusses monogamy and dating, however, it is not so black and white.  Which leads us to the question: When dating someone, at what point is it appropriate to bring up the subject of monogamy?

I have been on dates with men that seem to want to discuss our future together within a few weeks of getting together.  They talk about what we can do over the summer, over the holidays, etc. This has happened whether sex was already involved or not (but let’s be honest, it usually was).  I can only guess that future to which he refers includes me not dating other men.  So while the actual word “monogamy” is not spoken, is it understood?  Would he get attitude in the next moth if I casually stated that I had a date with someone else on Friday night? I am thinking he would.  Does he have a right to? This is where the waters get really murky.   

The clear and concise conversation was never had.   Some people believe that their first sexual experience with someone denotes monogamy and that it’s understood. Others believe that until the conversation has been had, they are free to screw anyone.  In any case, if monogamy is what you seek, I suggest you put on your big-kid pants and have that difficult conversation.  Do you run the risk of ruining a good thing? Absolutely!  If you are dealing with a commitment-phobe or someone who “wants to take their time” or someone that is trying to set the world record for sexual partners; you are screwed (or in this case, NOT) and you just messed up a good thing.  But isn’t it better to know that sooner rather than later?

I have been on both ends of that situation wherein, while it was early-on in a relationship, I was pissed that it wasn’t perfectly clear that we were not to sleep with other people. On the other hand, I have used the “well, we never talked about it” excuse.  In that case, ignorance was my defense (admittedly it was a lousy one, but it was all I had at the time).  

I remember a long time ago while living in Florida, I met a cute Italian guy when I walked into his family’s pizza shop.  We had a couple of dates and I had already met half his family as they were all working there when I met him, and he started talking about what we would do on upcoming weekends for the foreseeable future. While I was having some fun dating him, I was not feeling the “Head Over Heels Effect” (HOHE) and when he started talking about our future together (and the fact that we would no longer be keeping our options open) I dumped him like a hot potato. Those were the easy days without cellphones so I just let the machine get it whenever he phoned.  Yes, it was lame. But I was young and my balls were not nearly as big as they are now. 

The point is, if I am dating someone that starts talking about a one-on-one relationship too soon, I am more likely than not to excuse myself from the table and head directly for my car while turning off my cell phone all at the same time. I have also messed up a good potential relationship myself when I was feeling the HOHE and tried too soon to get a commitment. It’s a slippery slope.  

So, we can probably all agree that certainly when sex is involved, one expects their partner not to be boning the waitress later that evening. I would have to agree with that (even if the bartender IS smokin’ hot).  Just to be sure, a conversation needs to be had to make sure that you are both on the same page (and in the same sheets).

You know, this could all be solved by Monogamy Card. Each of us is given a card and when we have possession of it, we should feel free to bed anyone with a pulse. But should I decide to give it to a guy, I am saying that I choose to be monogamous with him. If he then hands me his in return: Great! We are now in a monogamous relationship and it was done without all of that messy communication!  Perfect!