Oh New Year's Eve, How I Hate Thee.

New Year’s Eve is amateur night.  It's the night that every Tom’s hairy dick is out trying to bring the New Year in with a bang (literally).  I’m not saying they go out with this goal in mind; but the later it gets, the more important this goal becomes.

I don’t think I have ever had an awesome, unforgettable time going out on New Year’s Eve.  Trust me, I have definitely given it the old “college try”.  I have been to every different type of New Year’s celebrations one could imagine.  I have tried casual clubs, black tie events, and parties large and small at various friends’ homes.  None of them has held up to the hype.  

Probably my biggest issue with New Year’s is the hugging and kissing of complete drunken strangers at midnight (and for the next ½ hour).  I don’t like to be touched by strangers (unless naked and horizontal, but that’s completely different).  It seems like some people believe The Universe has given everyone permission to jump across social boundaries in the name of another year.  I just don’t get it.

I cannot count the times I have been hugged and kissed –unwillingly- on New Year’s Eve by creepy, smelly, drunken men.  Usually, it goes something like this:

Typically sane and conservative married man (perhaps he’s a banker or an accountant) has been drinking and dancing all night long and is now good and toasted (and sweaty).  After having kissed and ditched his wife, he is now in his New Year’s drunken frenzy walking around looking for someone he deems attractive enough to “receive” his celebratory greeting. He takes one look at the boobs and thinks, “I want to smash THOSE against my body” and attacks.  Usually it’s accompanied by a sloppy kiss on the lips. (Blech)

Married, single, it doesn’t matter. If I am with someone or they are with someone, who cares? It’s a New Year and all bets (and vows) are off.

 I have seen more marital (and physical) fights start on New Year’s Eve by someone kissing a stranger their spouse deems threatening. The alcohol only fuels the fire.  Hey! Great way to ring in the New Year….with a black eye or a night in jail.  Yay!!

Personally, I want to start a new tradition: a nice firm handshake to ring in the New Year. 

Happy New Year and a nice firm handshake to each and every one of you out there!

Living in a virtual world

The websites to which I subscribe offer various ways of contacting people with whom one may have potential interest.  The free site offers virtual gifts that you can “give” to someone. You receive so many credits a month for your virtual objects of affection and, if you are really stupid and you do not spend your fake money wisely, you can purchase more credits (with REAL money) for more virtual gifts.  Yep.  You just spent money on absolutely nothing.  Good job!

So I am on the free site checking my emails (and looking for fodder for my blog), and this guy sends me a virtual teddy bear.  I must tell you it is more than a little awkward to receive a romantic gift from a complete stranger, and more than a little creepy.  I thanked him graciously and stated my lack of interest based on his profile (ok, it was really based on his looks and that fact that he was so little I could put him in my pocket, but I am not so mean as to tell him so….or he just got me on a good day, one or the other).  Having kindly explained my lack of interest, I figured that was the end of it. Apparently, I figured wrong.  A few days later there is the stupid teddy bear picture in my email.  Same teddy bear, same guy.  So either this guy has a memory worse than mine or he is a complete glutton for punishment.   It was then that I decided they needed to take the virtual thing a step further. 

If they are going to allow people to send virtual gifts, then they need to go all the way with it.  Personally, I’d like to see the following: a virtual middle finger (I’d have sent that to the “boob guy”).  Then if they continue to write, I could send them a virtual kick-in-the-nuts.  A virtual back-turning would be helpful too, to let someone know I am not interested before he even makes contact.  To be honest, I’d probably even pay money for those.

The paid-for dating site is a little better.  You send a virtual wink if you are interested in somebody but don’t necessarily have the balls to make direct contact (I’d like to send them a virtual pair of balls).  After the wink, you go directly to the contact.  In my opinion they should make it a little more bar-like.  First a wink, then a virtual smile, some virtual eye contact, a virtual wave and then a virtual lifting of your drink in a “cheers” type of way. You could do a little virtual moving around the room to be sure that the virtual eye contact is really aimed at you and then go in for the kill.  Doesn’t that sound romantic??

 It makes me wonder what the other dating sites have to offer in regard to the first move? I imagine it goes something like this:

The Christian dating site:  a virtual prayer.

The Filipino/Russian dating sites:  a virtual green card.

The S & M dating sites:  a virtual spanking. 

The elderly dating site:  a virtual walker

The gay men’s site: a virtual grooming kit.

The swinger’s site: a virtual wife-swap.

The foot fetish site:  a virtual corn remover.

If anyone out there knows what the other sites have to offer, I am dying to know!

I am still waiting for the virtual hand job, blow job, etc. to give to people when you REALLY like someone. The slogan for that could be "no muss, no fuss.”

On the converse side, the virtual screw doesn’t matter to me.  I do that all the time.  

Dating the Smoker

Dating a smoker can be a real drag.  Get it??

When I was younger, I usually ended up dating a guy that smoked. The fact that I, too, was a smoker probably had something to do with it; but more so I think it was his bad boy image of the smoker. He was a little bit dirty (minded, not hygiene!), a little rough around the edges, and he just looked like he knew his way around the bedroom.

Overall, I have found this bad-boy image to be pretty true.  Smokers (and/or ex-smokers) are typically much wilder in bed than lifelong non-smokers. (You non-smokers can relax; it’s not true with ALL of you. I’m just speaking generally here. If you are a lifelong non-smoker and you are reading this, I am sure I am not talking about YOU.)  Anyway, I am not sure why smokers are mostly less conservative in bed than non-smokers.  Perhaps it is a certain devil-may-care, rebel attitude.  Or maybe it’s because smokers have a tendency to be orally obsessed.  Whatever the reason, I’ll take it.

Personally, I have been smoking since I was 15 years old and have tried to quit hundreds of times.  I have journals that I wrote in my 20’s in which I would write on certain dates:  1. Go to the Laundromat.  2: Get groceries.  3: Quit smoking (just in case I forgot).  I used to announce the fact that I was quitting in dramatic fashion “I AM QUITTING SMOKING!  Tomorrow is the first day of my smoke-free life!”   I stopped doing that when the following two things happened when I quit:  the first was that my daughter would blame every moment of anger I had on the fact that I had quit smoking.  It typically went something like this, “You are just angry that I got black nail polish on the brand new couch because you quit smoking.”   Yeah. That’s it.  I am not finished paying for the couch yet, but had she ruined it while I was still smoking, I would be ok with it.  The second reason that I stopped announcing that I had quit was that I would, inevitably, go back to smoking.

Which leads me (via the scenic route) to my story:  While filling out my information on the dating sites, they all have the question of “Are you a Smoker?”  You then chose from (something similar to) the following options:

1.       Yes.

2.       Yes, but I am trying to quit.

3.       Socially

4.       No Way!

The obvious answer would be #1 but I never go with the obvious. So I went with #2 Yes, but I am trying to quit.  My reasoning behind this answer is as follows:  occasionally I think “I really should quit”.   Since admitting that you have a problem is the first step to dealing with the problem the answer is #2. Yes, but I am trying to quit.

On a side note, answer #3 confounds me.  What is a social smoker? Is that like being “kind of pregnant”.  Either you are a smoker or you aren’t.  There is no in-between.  I want to punch the social smokers in the face and say, “Pick a side, Asshole!”, but, I digress….

One day I logged onto the dating site (because I am a glutton for punishment) and some older man, that was way past my selected age range, sent me the following message (and I quote):

 “Quit Smoking!!”

He was definitely direct and to the point, I’ll give him that; as was my response:

“I will quit smoking when you quit telling strangers what to do.”  Oddly, I never head back from him.

There was another guy that I met on the site that I actually ended up speaking with on the phone.  Prior to our conversation, I had read his profile and he had chosen the “NO Way” response to the smoking question.  As we discussed possible plans to get together, I mentioned the fact that I smoke and he responded with “I can tell you smoke by the sound of your voice”.   Huh.  I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that.  Was that supposed to be a compliment?  I am not sure how it would be unless he followed it up with “…and it’s sultry and sexy.”  Damn! And here I was going to give him my best rendition of Kim Carnes’ “Betty Davis Eyes.”   Bye-Bye.

A few months ago I ran into a (non-smoking) guy that I dated in the relatively recent past.  Since our break-up, he has taken up some kind of power-of-the-mind hypnotism stuff that has, apparently, helped people to quit smoking.  Having tried everything but something like that, I asked him in passing if he would be willing to give it a shot on me.  He agreed.   Neither of us pursued the matter further until a month or so after that when I ran into him again.  When he saw me he made it a point to pull his car over to me to inform me that should I pursue the matter further, he wouldn’t charge me the entire hefty fee that he was charging others.  I, because of our past relationship, would only have to pay a discounted hefty fee (which was still a hefty fee).  Lucky me.  Perhaps I had no right to be, but I was a little put off by this.  I guess I figured that because we had done dirty little things to each other in the past, and we are still friends,  I would get the  “I’ve Had You In My Mouth Discount” which would basically make it free since I didn’t charge him for his pleasure either.

What can I say?  I’m gifted.

Dating the Virgin

I dated a guy for a few months while living in Florida. He was tall, dark and handsome with a very large shoe size (if you know what I mean) and, as it turns out, he was a 28 year old virgin. 

He first disclosed this tidbit of information at a very inopportune moment. We had already been out on a few dates that had ended with the usual good night kisses.  One night we had gone out again and things were progressing along nicely as we were lying on the couch, getting hot and heavy, when everything grinds to a screeching halt as he sits up and inform me of his virginal status.  My first thought was “Awwww, poor guy! What terribly mean girls you have been dating! You have clearly been hanging around with the wrong crowd! It’s a good thing you met me when you did!”

When he told me that his virginity was by choice, I was more than a little confused.  Not only was he not overly religious, we had gotten to the point where we were already half way there! Dude!?!  A little disclosure in advance of this moment would have been nice.

At that point I was still convinced that the right girl just hadn’t come along to help him realize what he was missing, and that I was just the girl to do that (cause I am sweet like that - always trying to help others). As self-control is not really my strong suit (to say the least), I really thought that there was no way after dating me for a period of time, that he would be able to maintain it.  Not because I was the end all, be all (ok, back in those days I thought I was pretty close) but because he would allow us to do everything else other than the “final act”. I figured if we…I don’t know….slipped and fell into it, that it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I would really be doing him a favor….

Let me just stop here and say how cruel I think this is on his part.  Not the virginity part.  You want to keep your virginity, that’s great. If it means that much to you that you save yourself for your wedding night, having no idea whatsoever if the person you are about to spend eternity with (or hopefully, at least a couple of years) completely sucks in the sack (and I don’t mean that in a good way); I encourage you (and wish you luck) in doing that.  On the other hand, it’s not right to flaunt something in front of someone that they can’t have (especially something that large). That’s just rude! Seriously, pick a side. Either you are really good and virtuous or you aren’t. You are walking a very fine line convincing yourself that you are still moral while being planted firmly in someone’s mouth. Sorry, but I don’t think it works that way.

The way I see it is this: let’s say someone gives you a bus (drops it in your lap, so to speak), would YOU drive it around town alone and not invite any friends to ride along with you? Yeah. Me either.  It’s just selfish to show your awesome bus to the world and not share it.  Keep your stupid bus in the garage where we don’t all want to sit on it.

Anyway, after a few months of getting this close to showing him exactly what the hell it is that he’d been missing, and continually having him say “No” at the last minute, it became increasingly (and when I say increasingly, I mean frustratingly) apparent that he was serious about this virgin thing.  I even told him I could bring him closer to God (or at least make him call out to God a couple hundred times) but I was unable to convince him to give it up (I note here that if I believed in hell, I might be concerned at this point. But I don’t; so I’m good). He really was saving himself for marriage. Well good for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I did have a lot of respect for his willpower and the fact that he was holding out until marriage.  Having little willpower myself, I was somewhat in awe of his.  For….like… a minute. I was in my early 20’s and had no desire for marriage (there were oats that needed sowing) and as the “virgin boat” had already sailed for me, I had saw no reason (and had no desire) to re-dock it.  

Needless to say, after a few months, the whole thing just got old. I’m sure to some degree my ego had taken a hit in that, in all my awesomeness, I was unable to convince him to let it go.  So at that point, I ended it with him. Amazingly enough he had the nerve to be pissed about it!  What the hell did HE have to be pissed about?? Geez. Some virgins are so touchy.

Maybe if he’d gotten some he wouldn’t have had so much anger inside…