Dating the Smoker

Dating a smoker can be a real drag.  Get it??

When I was younger, I usually ended up dating a guy that smoked. The fact that I, too, was a smoker probably had something to do with it; but more so I think it was his bad boy image of the smoker. He was a little bit dirty (minded, not hygiene!), a little rough around the edges, and he just looked like he knew his way around the bedroom.

Overall, I have found this bad-boy image to be pretty true.  Smokers (and/or ex-smokers) are typically much wilder in bed than lifelong non-smokers. (You non-smokers can relax; it’s not true with ALL of you. I’m just speaking generally here. If you are a lifelong non-smoker and you are reading this, I am sure I am not talking about YOU.)  Anyway, I am not sure why smokers are mostly less conservative in bed than non-smokers.  Perhaps it is a certain devil-may-care, rebel attitude.  Or maybe it’s because smokers have a tendency to be orally obsessed.  Whatever the reason, I’ll take it.

Personally, I have been smoking since I was 15 years old and have tried to quit hundreds of times.  I have journals that I wrote in my 20’s in which I would write on certain dates:  1. Go to the Laundromat.  2: Get groceries.  3: Quit smoking (just in case I forgot).  I used to announce the fact that I was quitting in dramatic fashion “I AM QUITTING SMOKING!  Tomorrow is the first day of my smoke-free life!”   I stopped doing that when the following two things happened when I quit:  the first was that my daughter would blame every moment of anger I had on the fact that I had quit smoking.  It typically went something like this, “You are just angry that I got black nail polish on the brand new couch because you quit smoking.”   Yeah. That’s it.  I am not finished paying for the couch yet, but had she ruined it while I was still smoking, I would be ok with it.  The second reason that I stopped announcing that I had quit was that I would, inevitably, go back to smoking.

Which leads me (via the scenic route) to my story:  While filling out my information on the dating sites, they all have the question of “Are you a Smoker?”  You then chose from (something similar to) the following options:

1.       Yes.

2.       Yes, but I am trying to quit.

3.       Socially

4.       No Way!

The obvious answer would be #1 but I never go with the obvious. So I went with #2 Yes, but I am trying to quit.  My reasoning behind this answer is as follows:  occasionally I think “I really should quit”.   Since admitting that you have a problem is the first step to dealing with the problem the answer is #2. Yes, but I am trying to quit.

On a side note, answer #3 confounds me.  What is a social smoker? Is that like being “kind of pregnant”.  Either you are a smoker or you aren’t.  There is no in-between.  I want to punch the social smokers in the face and say, “Pick a side, Asshole!”, but, I digress….

One day I logged onto the dating site (because I am a glutton for punishment) and some older man, that was way past my selected age range, sent me the following message (and I quote):

 “Quit Smoking!!”

He was definitely direct and to the point, I’ll give him that; as was my response:

“I will quit smoking when you quit telling strangers what to do.”  Oddly, I never head back from him.

There was another guy that I met on the site that I actually ended up speaking with on the phone.  Prior to our conversation, I had read his profile and he had chosen the “NO Way” response to the smoking question.  As we discussed possible plans to get together, I mentioned the fact that I smoke and he responded with “I can tell you smoke by the sound of your voice”.   Huh.  I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that.  Was that supposed to be a compliment?  I am not sure how it would be unless he followed it up with “…and it’s sultry and sexy.”  Damn! And here I was going to give him my best rendition of Kim Carnes’ “Betty Davis Eyes.”   Bye-Bye.

A few months ago I ran into a (non-smoking) guy that I dated in the relatively recent past.  Since our break-up, he has taken up some kind of power-of-the-mind hypnotism stuff that has, apparently, helped people to quit smoking.  Having tried everything but something like that, I asked him in passing if he would be willing to give it a shot on me.  He agreed.   Neither of us pursued the matter further until a month or so after that when I ran into him again.  When he saw me he made it a point to pull his car over to me to inform me that should I pursue the matter further, he wouldn’t charge me the entire hefty fee that he was charging others.  I, because of our past relationship, would only have to pay a discounted hefty fee (which was still a hefty fee).  Lucky me.  Perhaps I had no right to be, but I was a little put off by this.  I guess I figured that because we had done dirty little things to each other in the past, and we are still friends,  I would get the  “I’ve Had You In My Mouth Discount” which would basically make it free since I didn’t charge him for his pleasure either.

What can I say?  I’m gifted.