Oh New Year's Eve, How I Hate Thee.

New Year’s Eve is amateur night.  It's the night that every Tom’s hairy dick is out trying to bring the New Year in with a bang (literally).  I’m not saying they go out with this goal in mind; but the later it gets, the more important this goal becomes.

I don’t think I have ever had an awesome, unforgettable time going out on New Year’s Eve.  Trust me, I have definitely given it the old “college try”.  I have been to every different type of New Year’s celebrations one could imagine.  I have tried casual clubs, black tie events, and parties large and small at various friends’ homes.  None of them has held up to the hype.  

Probably my biggest issue with New Year’s is the hugging and kissing of complete drunken strangers at midnight (and for the next ½ hour).  I don’t like to be touched by strangers (unless naked and horizontal, but that’s completely different).  It seems like some people believe The Universe has given everyone permission to jump across social boundaries in the name of another year.  I just don’t get it.

I cannot count the times I have been hugged and kissed –unwillingly- on New Year’s Eve by creepy, smelly, drunken men.  Usually, it goes something like this:

Typically sane and conservative married man (perhaps he’s a banker or an accountant) has been drinking and dancing all night long and is now good and toasted (and sweaty).  After having kissed and ditched his wife, he is now in his New Year’s drunken frenzy walking around looking for someone he deems attractive enough to “receive” his celebratory greeting. He takes one look at the boobs and thinks, “I want to smash THOSE against my body” and attacks.  Usually it’s accompanied by a sloppy kiss on the lips. (Blech)

Married, single, it doesn’t matter. If I am with someone or they are with someone, who cares? It’s a New Year and all bets (and vows) are off.

 I have seen more marital (and physical) fights start on New Year’s Eve by someone kissing a stranger their spouse deems threatening. The alcohol only fuels the fire.  Hey! Great way to ring in the New Year….with a black eye or a night in jail.  Yay!!

Personally, I want to start a new tradition: a nice firm handshake to ring in the New Year. 

Happy New Year and a nice firm handshake to each and every one of you out there!