A Gay Crossdresser With the Wrong Parts

My world was turned upside down today as I found out that apparently: I am not a girl.  I know!! I am as surprised as the rest of you!

Here I was happily living my life thinking I have the world by the balls in an “I-am-woman-and-I-got-what-they-want” power-kick and I was floored to discover that I must be a gay crossdresser with the wrong parts.  This all came to a head (which I am still looking for, by the way) when I was checking out the free dating site and scrolled down to the bottom of the page to see the following:

Women’s Top Ten Favorite Ways to Have Someone Flirt with Them

1. Talk about things she likes or dislikes, making comments and showing interest

Yes, showing interest is great.  I recommend it to every human being trying to have any kind of a relationship with any other human being (or a pet for that matter).  Unless you are the Unabomber, you should probably know this.

2. Display concern for her, her feelings and well-being

“Hi! My name is Joe. I hope you don’t have cancer or some other horrible illness.  I hope you aren’t manically depressed and sitting at home deciding whether you should reply to my email or kill yourself.  Write back if you decide on the first one, ok?”

3. Share jokes or amusing anecdotes with her  

“Hi! My name is Tony. So, an old lady and a goat walk into a bar…”

4. Compliment her on her screen name, attitude, personality and appearance  

One must tread lightly about this one.  Too many compliments early on makes one appear to be a bull-shitter, or desperate, or a desperate bull-shitter.  For example: my current screen name has my zodiac sign in it. I have been contacted by guys that were very (and I mean overly) excited about my particular zodiac sign.  So whether he is really hippy-dippy and wants to read my palm or he is just trying to get me excited that he is excited; either way, I don’t want him. 

 On the converse side, just so you guys know, “I think you massive boobs are awesome” is NOT a compliment.    

5. Send her special/cute email messages  

The problems with this one are vast.  First, one man’s “cute” is another woman’s nightmare.  Second, men don’t typically know or do “cute”.  It usually turns into creepy really fucking fast.  Third, what is a cute email message exactly? 

“Hi, Snookiebear! Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you! My name is Bob.”

 Just so you know, “cute” messages from a virtual stranger make most women want to back away slowly from the computer and hide in a closet.

On the other hand, if you have been emailing back and forth with a particular woman on the dating site for awhile, and you are at the point where you are sending “cute” messages through the site and not on her cellphone; you should really move on because she’s either not interested or married.

 6. Makes an effort to contact her in some form most every day

Contacting someone you barely know on a daily basis is not flirting.  It’s stalking.  Get it right.

7. Chats with her when you are online at the same time 

The problem with chatting is that you either chat with the entire world or you don’t chat at all.  There is no in-between. You have to hide yourself from chatting with anyone or you get 35 invitations to chat at the same time.  Nine times out of ten, that is the last thing I have time for when I jump online to check my emails. 

I even had to hide myself on Facebook for God’s sake, and I KNOW those people!  Prior to hiding myself on Facebook it never failed that when I was about to walk out the door I would jump online for a second to check my notifications (for the 47th time today) and 12 people wanted to chat.  I then felt obligated to acknowledge each one and tell them that I don’t have time to chat and by the time I was finished with that I had already missed 2 cheap drinks at happy hour.  No thanks.

8. Discusses seriously the traits she desires in a partner

This one I agree with as it works for women and men alike.  I just haven’t figured out a nice way to say, “How big is your dick?” early on in the conversation. I am working on that one.

9. Show her your daring or mischievous side 

Again, this one is perception. What is a guy supposed to do to show his daring or mischievous side without looking like one of the buffoons from “Jackass”??  You can’t do sarcasm in writing without a sarcasm font (and when the HELL is someone going to come up with that?) so that isn’t going work.  Should he suggest a romantic bank robbing?  I don’t understand.

 10. Emails her greeting cards, gifts, pictures songs or fun attachments

We have already discussed this in a previous blog: http://anticsofaserialdater.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-in-virtual-world.html.  I think virtual gifts are virtually stupid.

I would like to note here that the last time I checked (in a “Fried Green Tomatoes” moment) I was female. However, after reading the above list of what I, as a female, am supposed to like and the fact that I physically flinched at each and every one of those “flirting ideas,” I am beginning to wonder…