Guest Blog: A Man's Point of View

As one of the author’s readers and close friends, I have immensely enjoyed the wit and wisdom of her blog. Yet in spite of the classically distasteful spin regarding online dating sites, I have ventured down this scary road on my own recently. With little time for the bar scene, and rare other chances to meet someone of the opposite sex, I thought I would give it a try. I figured it could not be as bad as everyone says. Certainly the horror stories and blog posts are exaggerated, under artistic license, to enhance the reader’s enjoyment. But alas, I was wrong.

The stories, if anything, have been underplayed. Either in an effort to protect the guilty or at least to not completely disenfranchise the reader, she has made it seem that online dating is suspect, inconvenient, and fraught with small dangers. It is a lot worse than that. It is a minefield of misrepresentation, outright lunacy, and enough unresolved issues for a thousand doctorate degrees in psychology.

I joined a common dating site, and like most, the users are encouraged to post pictures. In fact, I am sure that profiles without pictures are readily dismissed, as it is a prominent criterion for any search you may want to do. The site makes it convenient to quickly eliminate the profiles without pictures. Yes, we are all still hard-wired to be physically attracted to our mates, at least initially. I know beauty is only skin deep, but butt-ugly is more often than not a deal breaker. So I have had to peruse thousands of pictures of single women. Seriously, what are these women thinking? If a picture is worth a thousand words, some of these photos are screaming in a foreign language.

As a community service, I thought I would share some suggestions for female dating site users that may help.

1.       If your profile says that all your kids are over 18, then the picture you have with your son when he was 8 may be considered outdated.

2.       If you only post one picture, and it is a group shot of you and your girlfriends at some event, try letting us know which one you are.  Me: “Are you the one in the middle?” Her: “No, I am the one second from the left.” Me: “Can you introduce me to the one in the middle?”

3.       If you are posting a picture of you with your pet, that’s great. If it is just a picture of your pet, don’t bother. I am not looking to date your pet (though some men on the site might be).

4.       If your profile says you are not looking for sex or “one night stands”, avoid the pictures of you on your bed dressed in lingerie. It sends a mixed signal.

5.       If you want to post something sexy or provocative, avoid the overhead shot looking down your cleavage. It is way overdone. Every woman has tits and there is probably a classier way to insure he knows you have big ones. If you’re not looking for sex, see suggestion above.

6.       If you post multiple pictures and they are all close-up face shots, we are going to assume you are "larger than life" (and I am not talking personality here). 

7.       If your profile says you drink socially, it's probably best to not have every picture you post be of you in a bar with a drink in your hand. Unless, of course, you mean “socially” as in anytime I am near people.

8.       Don’t post an old picture of you and your ex from your wedding. Not sure exactly why this doesn’t work, but it just doesn’t.

9.       Don’t post pictures in which you are not pictured. No one cares about your favorite poem, the cool picture of butterflies you found on the internet, or your grandma’s cookie recipe.

10.   Don’t post the picture you got from “Glamour Shots”. Men can recognize them easily and we know you don’t look like that without hours of hair and make-up work done in a professionally lit studio.

11.   Be aware of your background. The great pic of you can be a turn off if behind you is a kitchen table full of junk, dishes overflowing out of the sink, or your 200 count Prozac prescription bottle.

12.   Don’t take a picture of yourself in the mirror holding your phone. This screams that you don’t have at least one friend who would be willing to take a picture for you.

Thanks for reading and happy hunting!

 

In his spare time, Brad writes his own incredibly intelligent blog.  Check it out:

http://commonsensiblyspeaking.com/

Hugs, Gina

Too Much Information

When it comes to dating and men, my friends like to call me paranoid. My mother calls me smart (moms are awesome in that regard, aren’t they?).  I prefer the word cautious.  Many men in the online dating world come out of the gate in their introductory email with “here is my phone number, call or text me”. That opening line typically makes me want to back slowly away from the computer and run in the opposite direction.  Perhaps it’s my knowledge of most things technological (reverse phone number look-up is my friend) or it’s Mama Bear Syndrome trying to protect my cub. Either way, I will not call or text a complete stranger; thus giving them my phone number for future potential stalking.  Fine, I’m paranoid.  There.  I said it.

Needless to say, this “personality quirk” often prevents me from stepping over that line from emailing a man back and forth to actual human contact.  I have to know that I am very interested in a man before I will give out those precious digits and pressuring me too early will only make me stop all communication.  Hence the reason why, after a few months on the dating site, I had yet to go on an actual date.

One day I logged onto the site to check my email, and there was an email from an old acquaintance of mine that I hadn’t spoken to in years.  He stated in his email that he didn’t know that I was on the site too and ended it with “Hey, I’ll take you out for a drink”.  The tone of that statement seemed a little “and cure your lonely existence”, but I thought maybe this would be a good non-threatening way to jump into the dating scene (with one foot planted firmly on the ground). I replied and a date was made to meet for a few drinks at a local establishment (sounds classier than bar, doesn’t it?).
This is where the “too much information” part comes in. 

During those few hours, I was told that he no longer has any contact with his daughter because his horrible ex convinced the kid to say that Daddy did inappropriate things to her and while it wasn’t true, he stopped all contact.  As a woman with a daughter: RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

I was informed that he had a gastric issue so that he could either eat or drink -but not both- as he would get terrible gas. Since he was drinking and quite thin, I am guessing that he was pretty much on a liquid diet. Not to mention that the word “gastric” was brought up on a first date. 

He is currently broke-as-a-joke due to his horrible ex-wife taking him for all his is worth and continuing the cruel treatment to this day.

He had recently been to jail for getting into a bloody, drunken fight while at a sporting event.

And the pièce de résistance: when he drinks and then has sex, women love it because he can (and I quote) “pound away all night” since he can’t get to the end result anyway.

As you probably suspected, I am going to stop here and analyze that last quote.

First of all: OUCH. Contrary to popular male belief, most women do not enjoy their nether-region being jack-hammered for hours at a time. Much like men cringe and grab their crotches while watching funny videos of other men being hit in the nuts by a child’s errant baseball; most women cringe when told that they will be “pounded away” at all night.  Even when I was younger and I had nothing better to do than have sex all day, my partner and I would take many breaks from the fun and eat, get a drink, smoke a cigarette, share a few laughs then go back at it.  It was not a constant pounding for hours on end.  That just doesn’t sound nice. 

Second: while I do remember the days of my carefree youth when I had literally three bills to pay in a month (rent, cable, phone), and I had no responsibilities other than to remember which “Ladies Night” was at which bar on any given day; this is no longer the case.  I now require sleep and lots of it.  

Lastly, might I recommend buying stock in lubricating jelly? You might as well make a buck on all that you will end up purchasing.

My first actual date: epic fail.

...and so it begins...

 My name is Gina and I was married once. For like 5 minutes.  Hard to believe but I have a daughter that turned 18 this year. My ex-husband left when my daughter was 3 months old while we were having the house exterminated.  No, seriously.  I have highly recommended that company over the years.  They really do eliminate all of the pests. 

Since then I have dated (and dated and dated and dated) so much so that I have now become what my friends refer to as a serial dater. 

So here I am, still single (and loving it) and my daughter will graduate from high school soon and go off to college and I will be here alone.  My daughter is concerned about me being alone since it has been just the two of us for as long as she can remember.  My family and friends are concerned as well and think it’s time for me to settle down. I am not so sure.  I really love my single life.  Sure, sometimes it gets  a little loney (and I imagine it will be even moreso when my daughter leaves) and having sex with a warm body can be a good thing (depending, of course, on who's warm body); but, I really do love my single life.  I don't have to cook or clean if I don't feel like it and I don't have to make sure that my legs are shaved (like in the winter when it's cold).  And best of all, I can have sex with whomever I want whenever I want (after having shaved my legs, of course).

Maybe. Maybe I will think about it.  I mean it's not like I haven't tried finding a long term relationship in the past.  I had every intention of getting remarried and probably having more kids 15 years ago.  I dated guys (granted, mostly that I met in bars and clubs) that I thought might turn into something long term but they seemed to want to move so quickly.  A few months of dating and they are talking about moving in together! The thought of having to clean out a dresser drawer or make space in my closet seemed like a lot of extra and unnecessary work. So I typically ended it.  It was nice for a couple of months though.

My mother insists that I won't meet a nice guy in a bar and suggested I try to meet one in church. I imagine I would have to actually go to church in order for that to happen.  "Fine. I'll give it shot," I said, "but it better happen quickly because I am NOT making a habit out of church."   I walked in tentatively waiting to be smited for all of the swearing I do and the sex that I have had but I made it in safely and looked around for the singles section. Huh.  Not readily apparent.  In fact, there seemed to be families everywhere! WTF??  

Coincidentally, because I am a sinner I chose a more casual, laid-back church that wouldn't necessarily toss me out if I got into the moment and yelled, "Yeah! I fucking LOVE God!"  But, because of the casual nature of the church, they readily accept people of alternative lifestyles.  While I have no problem with that, I found myself staring at men that wouldn't stare at me back.  Why are gay guys so damn good looking??  This church thing wasn't working.  On a side note, if churches were smart they would make all of the single people sit in a particular section, perhaps by sexual orientation, thus making it easier to find one another thus ultimately perpetuating the congregation. Unfortunately, none of the church people ask for my opinion.

Being the tenacious (and horny) kind of girl that I am, I was NOT going to give up. 

Shortly thereafter, while sitting around drinking with a couple of girl friends, it was suggested that I find a man in the grocery store. (Looking back, perhaps taking dating advice from married women while sitting around drinking and talking about sex wasn't the best idea, but hindsight is 20/20.)  I was told that when I am out shopping and spot a hot guy in the aisle picking out his pasta sauce, I am to enthusiastically start a conversation pertaining to his pasta sauce needs.  Uh huh.    At the grocery store a few days later, I am approaching a cute guy in the aisle ready to make my move and I begin to play this scenario out in my mind.  I see many various endings, only one of which ends with me meeting the man of my dreams.  Most of the scenarios end with hot guy looking at me as if I am on crack, or his wife walking around the corner, or the guy answering my sauce question followed by awkward silence in which I am obligated to purchase the pasta sauce with meat when I am a vegetarian; so I choked and lost my nerve. 

It is then that I decided to go with the dating plan of the modern age: online dating.  This blog is my dating story:  past, present and future. 

Coming tomorrow: My first attempt at online dating.