So I’m out having a couple of drinks with some friends one
night to celebrate another friend’s return to our home state and we are
laughing and dancing and having a grand old time when another “friend” (whom I
shall call Dicky) decides to step into the “bitter barn” and starts bitching
about his soon to be ex-wife. I (being
of sound mind and loose tongue) immediately blurt out, “doesn’t your chosen
lifestyle lend itself to your wife leaving you?” SCREEEEECH.
It kinda felt like one of those movies where they say
something really loud and inappropriate right when the music stops and the entire
bar turns and looks. Yeah. Like that. It seemed like even the people dry-humping
in the corner stopped groping each other to stare at me in awe that I had
actually kicked the guy when he was down.
I looked around, “WHAT???”
Let me explain: Dicky
is a swinger. I didn’t know this when
Dicky friend requested me on Facebook. I
accepted Dicky’s friend request because we had graduated high school together
and had many mutual friends. I didn’t
remember Dicky in high school but we had a very large graduating class and I
was pretty much stoned for most of my high school career so it didn’t surprise
me that I didn’t remember him. It took
me about a month to figure out what Dicky was up to (sometimes I am not too
swift on the intake).
The first telling piece of information was all of the pictures
Dicky kept posting of himself with beautiful (but trashy) looking blonds. Now Dicky is not an Adonis. He is short and stout
(Yes, like the little teapot) and a little pudgy and I could probably put him
in my pocket if I didn’t wear my pants so tight. So the fact that Dicky had been married for
20+ years and kept posting pictures of himself (and occasionally his wife),
with blond bimbos was a little confusing at first. The second piece to the
puzzle was that Dicky kept inviting me to numerous parties that he would have
and he would have them A LOT. Like more
than once a week there were pictures of him at various skanky-looking soirées
to which I had been invited (but thankfully did not attend).
The last piece of the puzzle (and when the SWINGER marquee finally
hit me upside my head) was when I began receiving friend requests from couples
in far-off places (“Bob/Liz Smith from Texas want to be your friend.” How many couples do you know that SHARE a
Facebook page??) After I denied the
third couple’s request, l started wondering what the hell was going on and
quickly realized that the only thing I had in common with these people was
Dicky. HELLO SWINGERS!
Now (obviously) I am no one to judge how people lead their
sexual lives and I have been in a ménage or two in my time but it seems to me
if you are in a long-term committed relationship and you are encouraging your
spouse to fuck other people, you are playing with fire. It’s a numbers game, idiot. At
some point in 20+ years, if your spouse is screwing numerous people, he or she
is going to find someone that looks better than you, fucks better than you and
reads the funnies on a Sunday morning better than you. It’s pretty much inevitable. It is the extremely rare case that whatever “special
connection” you have with your spouse is the only “special connection” your
spouse is going to have in a lifetime, especially when you throw sex into the
mix.
I have met guys that acted like they were the shit because
they were “Oh-so-open-minded” to let their wives boink someone else and I come
to find out it was purely out of selfish reasons. They themselves were bored or horny or
whatever and under the ruse of being open-minded, simply wanted permission to
screw someone else too. So while he was
busy patting himself on the back for letting his wife screw that guy over
there, his other hand was firmly planted in some other chick’s Hooha. Nice.
Even if it isn’t for selfish reasons, and he isn’t looking
to fool around with another girl (or guy), which I highly doubt, it’s probably
not going to end well. I speak from
experience:
About 25 years ago, I was dating a guy in Florida that
wanted to take me on a vacation to his friend’s house in the Keys. The entire week prior to the vacation he kept
telling me how good looking his friend was and how awesome his friend was and
that if I wanted to have coitus with his friend he wouldn’t mind. At first I thought this was some kind of a faithfulness
test, so I was adamant that I wasn’t interested. He kept insisting that he would be fine with
it and he and his friend and he were very close and “shared everything” (like a
stick of deodorant??). I told him I
understood his point but that I really wasn’t interested because I loved him. The whole ride down he kept up his song and
dance that he would be O.K. with it, should I change my mind. We pull into the driveway and his shirtless
friend comes out to greet us. Holy.
Shit. Mind changed.
I’m not really sure what my boyfriend had in mind, or why he
was so insistent (looking back I think maybe he either wanted to see what his
friend was packing or make his friend jealous of what he had every day), but
I’m pretty sure things didn’t transpire the way they were supposed to in his
mind. Unfortunately for him, he hadn’t been clear to set the boundaries or the
scenario or the scene so that I knew what was OK and what wasn’t and a few
nights into our short vacation, he and I got into an argument. He was being a dick and ignoring me while I
was trying to speak to him about whatever stupid disagreement we were having
and so I got the shits of trying to talk to him and went to see what his friend
was doing in his bedroom. Needless to
say, boyfriend got his wish. Or not.
At some point my boyfriend actually came looking for me, saw
what was going on, and turned around and left (personally, I took that as a “carry
on”). I am guessing by his reaction
afterward that things didn’t go the way he thought they would because (wait for
it….) he was PISSED. Yep. We all could have seen that coming. Needless
to say, our relationship was never the same and he treated me as if I had
cheated on him (and I treated him like the idiot that he was). Moral: Be careful what you wish for, People.
How about this idea: If you want to screw other people, STAY
SINGLE. Trust me, it works.
I would like to hear other’s opinion on this subject. Are you married and have you ever done or
considered swinging? Do you know anyone that does and has it worked for them in
the long-term? As a single person would
you consider getting involved with a married couple?
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